Dating can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re jumping back in after divorce, heartbreak or a long stretch out of the game. But, according to Married at First Sight UK expert Mel Schilling, it’s never too late to find love.
Appearing on Davina McCall’s Begin Again podcast, 53-year-old Schilling shared five empowering tips that anyone at any age, but particularly those starting over, can use to navigate modern dating with more confidence.
While many in long-term relationships meet their partners as early as university, Schilling was almost 40 when she met her husband, Gareth Brisbane, and knows plenty about finding love slightly later than some.
“I really want to talk to our listeners who are finding themselves cutting out of relationships all of a sudden, [they’re] single again, maybe in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and starting again. All the rules have changed, not just the rules, but the roles as well, and the tools,” she said.
From defining your non-negotiables to challenging negative self-talk, here are Schilling’s five essential dating tips for anyone ready to dive back in.
1. Develop your “dating brand”
“The bigger, more important stuff is how you’re going to choose to step into this next dating chapter – and what is your dating brand?” she said.
When it comes to developing that “dating brand,” she believes it starts with knowing who you are. That means reflecting on your past, understanding your values, and being honest about what you bring to a relationship.
“I think any step towards self-development or personal development has to start with looking at yourself,” she explained.
For Schilling, that also means taking accountability for your past mistakes, because if you don’t, you risk carrying those unresolved issues into your next relationship.
She added, “Get really clear on where you’re at now and what you want. What you want can come a little bit later. I think even at this stage, it’s really more about, ‘Who am I, and what am I going to bring into this next stage?'”
2. Embrace dating apps
The relationship expert said there are practical aspects of dating you can “get out of the way really quickly,” like signing up for dating apps or websites.
If you’re not tech-savvy, she suggests enlisting help from your kids or grandkids to get you started. They’ll likely love being able to teach you something.
3. Don’t be afraid of minimising your dating pool
Use your dating profile to genuinely represent who you are to attract people with similar values and lifestyles. If you don’t want to have any – or many – children, say that.
“A lot of people have a fear of, ‘Oh, but that’s making the pool smaller.’ Well, that’s good, because it’s becoming more tailored to you and more customised,” she said.
The relationship coach suggests uploading photos that show you doing things you genuinely enjoy –whether it’s spending time with family or going on adventures – so potential matches get a real sense of your interests.
She added: “So the people who come along and see those photos who don’t have similar values or lifestyle are going to be put off – good.”
4. Identify your deal breakers
When it comes to dating, being clear about your non-negotiables is essential. Schilling breaks these down into two categories:
1. Global dealbreakers
These are the kinds of red flags that should be off-limits for everyone.
“You’re on a date with someone and they show aggression towards someone else, or they’re being really racist, sexist, transphobia, homophobia, showing those sorts of behaviours,” she explained.
“Or maybe they’re glorifying someone else’s pain; these sorts of indicators of basically being a bad person. Doesn’t matter where you come from, what your background is, what your politics are, you’re going to look at that person and say, ‘I’m not going to have a healthy relationship with that person, out.”
2. Personal value dealbreakers
The other dealbreakers often come down to personal values. For example, if health is one of your top priorities, dating someone who doesn’t take care of themselves is likely to create long-term conflict.
It’s not about judgment, it’s about alignment.
5. Challenge negative self-talk
Schilling said dating is a world of “rejection and resilience,” explaining that you need to learn to recognise and redirect negative thoughts that might sabotage your dating experience.
“I love the idea of shedding things like blaming yourself for something that happened in a relationship, or some pain that happened to you that was actually someone else’s doing,” she said.
Schilling encouraged listeners to imagine themselves as a tree, standing strong and shedding the leaves that are no longer relevant to them.
She continued: “You’re still you at your core, it’s not a complete new beginning, but it’s a metamorphosis … I think self-talk is one of the most powerful tools that we have if we use it well.
“It takes work. Yes, it’s simple, but it’s not easy. So the simplicity is, ‘Oh, a negative thought comes up? I’m going to challenge it, change it and go off on a different track.”
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